Chapter 35

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My mind went blank after I asked. Or did I just not want to absorb what Maiko had just said?

"I’m sorry, what did you say again?" I had to ask because I really didn’t know what she had said.

"I think I’m going out with Keita." The electrical waves went across the ocean and into the receiver only to be lost in my mind once again.

-Okay, focus Nina!- I said to myself. Did I hear her correctly?

"Uh, no, really. Who is it?" Thinking that this was one of her practical jokes, I laughed.

"Nina..." Her tone alarmed me. "I’m really sorry."

I sat there with absolutely no brain activity. Stunned, shocked, and in denial, I didn’t move.

"Nina? Are you there?" Her voice came.

I snapped out of my trance. "Oh, yeah. Uh, how?" I asked her, my mind still wandering.

"He was at the apartment and then we started to talk about Numai and–"

"Wait, who’s Numai?" I abruptly spoke, obviously shocked that she mentioned a name that I didn’t recognize.

"Tatsuya. Tatsuya Numai." She answered in the shy tone she has taken on.

Oh. Tatsuya. Maiko’s ex-boyfriend and Keita’s friend.

"Yeah, so we started to talk about him. It turned out that he got a new girlfriend right after he moved. When we broke up, I thought, ‘Okay, well I never have to be reminded of him again because he’s all the way in Nara’, but his life still is able to reach me. I thought that we would actually be a couple for a long time when I met him. He didn’t go to the university, actually he didn’t go to any university, but I still saw him on my free time. When he decided to move, I actually didn’t want him to. So we were talking and all of a sudden, I started to cry. If I had only been a better girlfriend, maybe he wouldn’t have left. Keita tried to cheer me up saying that we just weren’t right for each other and all that stuff. God, he was so nice about it."

She paused.

"What happened next?"

"He said that things don’t work out the way we want them to and life is just that cruel, but there will always be others. I told him that he talks out of his ass because I already know that stuff- I just didn’t want it to end so early. Then he asked me if I was looking around for a boyfriend and I said I wasn’t. He said ‘Oh, what a shame’ or something like that. I asked him why and he said ‘I think I know someone that might be interested in you’. I asked him who and he–he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek and said ‘me’."

Faintly and subconsciously, I conjured up another worthless "oh".

"I was taken aback. Like, seriously, I jerked away from him. I didn’t know what he was doing; I never even thought of him that way. And plus, he’s your ex-boyfriend, so that just adds to the ‘oh my god’ part of it. I asked him if he knew who I was and he looked at me peculiarly and said "Maiko Yoji". In the most lady-like way possible, I tore a new one into him and told him that he’s not allowed to hit on me because I’m your best friend." She spoke too quickly, babbling at the speed of light.

Of the whole conversation, this I understood lucidly. "I thought you said you’re dating him, not going apeshit on him." I interrupted her continuous chain of nonsensical words. "Wait. Why was he even in your apartment in the first place?"

"What?"

"Why was he at the apartment?" I repeated myself. "A person doesn’t just come over to his ex’s apartment on a normal day."

"Oh, it’s nothing really." She spoke. I paused to let her finish her sentence, but she didn’t.

"... and the reason was...?" I coaxed her on.

"Look, Nina," she said in a tone that hinted annoyance, "you don’t have to know everything, he was just at the apartment, okay?"

Ouch.

I was taken aback by her words. As far as I could recall into the deepest corners of my mind, I couldn’t remember the last time she spoke to me in that manner. Worst yet, she kept something from me.

Again, an "oh" came out, as that seemed to be the only syllable that could cross my tongue.

"Nina, I’m being serious here. He said that we should just try it since we’re both kind of on the rebound. I thought it over and said okay for one date. I thought it was going to be like a friend thing where we go to like a coffee house or something but he insisted on cooking for me at his house. I protested, I really did, but he is very persuading, almost manipulative."

I guess she expected another "oh" because she paused, but even the muscles of my mouth seemed numb in the anesthesia of her words.

She continued.

"He made some food, and we ate. We started talking about work and school and more work. The conversation was bland and idle. So we played cards. What kind of date was that, right? So I asked him why he even asked me out on a date. He just said that there’s something mysterious about me that he is attracted to. I don’t remember what he said afterwards, but I suggested a drinking game to lighten up the mood." Her breathing was audible, a sniffle came.

"You know how sometimes you do something that seems to be controlled by your subconsciousness, right? And that something is not intended to happen?"

My heart drained blood from my already shaking hand. "Yes". I prepared myself for bad news.

"We got drunk and totally wasted." Her voice cracked into a croak.

"What happened?" I asked with sudden urgency.

"We had sex." She let herself weep. "I didn’t know what I was doing, we were both drunk. I don’t even remember how it happened but I found myself in his bed in the morning."

"Nina, I never meant to hurt you."

The first thing that came out of my mouth before I even registered the shock was, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she let out a choppy exhale, "the tests were negative. I’m okay."

I slumped further into the wall. "Then why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you still going to see him after that?"

"I don’t know."

My eyes closed and the defective clutch I had on the phone clutched no longer as the device fell onto my comforter.

"Nina? Nina?" were the last words spoken before I closed the phone, ceasing the call.

Twenty-one years old and you’d think I had a stronger soul. Every time I am confronted with this never-ending chapter of my life, I dwindle down to a fickle person easily manipulated and influenced.

I had every goddamn reason to be furious.

The more I thought about how Maiko and Keita looked together, the worse I felt. They were supposed to know me; I was supposed to be the one that connected them together. But now, they probably knew each other better than I knew them.

But should I be happy for them? No, that’s asking too much of me right now.

The apartment air was getting staler than normal; I was suffocating in the confined life I had stored up in the pint-sized room.

I started to hiccup as I cried. Hardly could I breathe.

Maiko and Keita.

I put my hands over my eyes because I was so ashamed. So ashamed for how I felt and how I acted. My heart felt limp and ever falling. I felt suspended between earth and space: so alone.

But then there’s Ryan.

I quickly made a decision to go to Ryan, where I thought a familiar face would bring about consolation. My feet worked hard to go against my wishes; were they asleep or just too limp? That mattered to me not because I was too caught up in fighting back the tears and ultimately just feeling too much like crap to care.

I made a fool of myself going around the campus letting out a chain of hiccups and tears as I went trying to find Ryan’s building. A simple task it would be if I wasn’t half blinded by salty tears or unwanted emotions. When I was in the elevator reaching his floor, I finally made myself reduce the public display of waterworks down to a few sobs. When I actually reached his floor, there was a part of my conscious mind that asked "why am I even here?". "For comfort," I answered.

"Beware of feelings other than your own".

A tiny window to my left blew frigid winds in. If it wasn’t for the size, I would have seriously considered jumping out of it because the pain was just too much. More so than all the pain I had gone through in the past year.

I reached Ryan’s door, #16B. The off-white door was stained and vandalized, sad in a way only a door could be. After knocking twice softly, I stood silently at the end of a hall with stained carpet and synthetic ambiance.

A long period of nothingness followed.

My spirit dipped lower. This time, I knocked harder. I would have called out Ryan, but my words would have been scrambled due to the complete lack of energy I had.

Finally the door opened.

Ryan, with headphones around his ears and in casual t-shirts and jeans, stood in front of me. "Nina?"

I don’t know why, but I began to cry harder and feel even worse.

"Nina, are you okay? What happened?" He asked, almost panicking.

"Can I come in?" I tried to say, looking down at the maroon carpet.

He nodded and quickly stepped aside to let me in.

Had I not been the emotional wreck I was, I would have noticed how absolutely messy the place was.

I took my usual place against Ryan’s bed on the floor. My face was buried in my hands; I was too ashamed to have him see me this way.

"Nina, tell me," he sat next to me, "what happened?"

I ignored him. I knew that I did not have a good reason to cry and that I wouldn’t be able to say anything without the words being lost through unwanted tears. So I waited. Idly, I sat in the small, closet-like room with Ryan.

Finally, after an agonizing long time of silence broken with cries, I felt able to talk.

"Maiko is dating Keita," I finally looked up.

"Wait, your Keita?" He looked at me peculiarly.

I snapped, "No, my Maiko" in spontaneous defense. Again, with brows firmly knit, I pictured them both in my mind.

"Whoa" was the only thing he said.

I felt no comfort in Ryan’s small talk. In frustration, I quickly assumed that he was a listener and not a talker, therefore, I continued on.

"She said she bumped into him and then he asked her out. Ryan, I asked her how she bumped into him and do you know what she said to me? She said it’s not my business." I found it hard to talk again, "How can it not be my business when I’m her best friend?"

I shut myself up because the words that came out of my mouth didn’t even make sense to me.

"So Nina, who are you mad at?" He finally said something after a long silence.

The first name that came to my mind was Maiko.

But that would be the worst answer to give him. I hated myself for jumping to say that it was Maiko when it actuality, it was Keita. Wait, no. I wasn’t even mad at him.

"I wish I had been at least asked what I thought about it."

He looked at me in a peculiar way. "Why?"

Sighing heavily, I shrugged my shoulders. "I wish she would have considered where I stood in their equation before agreeing to meet with him."

"Nina, I thought you broke up with Keita."

"I did."

"So why are you still not wanting other people to date him?"

"I never said that!" I took offense to what he said.

"But that’s what you’re thinking," he countered. "Nina, how many times are you going to let Keita make you cry?"

"This isn’t about Keita." I bitterly answered him, pounding a fist on my knee.

"Nina, I know you. If Maiko was dating some one else, you would be fine with it, but she’s not. Why can’t you just let go?"

When I went to him, I was seeking solace for a wound. When I got there, all I was given was salt on the wound.

"Ryan, you don’t know what they did. I have a right to feel sad and angry and all that shit." I angrily replied to him.

"What did they do then? Get married? Even if they did, you don’t own them. Stop being so selfish and just be happy for them."

I was about to say "They had sex!", but I held my tongue, for even if I was saddened by their ordeal, I would keep a little decency in me.

"You need to let go of Keita. He makes you cry so much. I don’t understand why you can’t get him out of your system." He put his hands on my shoulders and lightly shook me.

I knew I still held feelings for Keita. I knew it. But the yearning for him has just grown into a part of my life: I will probably never outgrow him so I will just let it be. I’ve tried to forget, but trying did not give me results.

But like they say, trying is always easier with help.

"How? Don’t you think I’ve tried? It’s not fucking working. You think I want to be pathetic like this? Fuck no. I want to be a functioning member of society; I want to let Maiko do what she wants. But how can I when I am still thinking about him? Tell me!" I stopped the tears and simmered down to soft sobs.

"Find someone else to love." He stated rather bluntly.

How absurd. We’re in America and compared to Americans, my English is below par.

"Who? The beggars near the campus or the white guys that are bigger than both of us combined? The cultural barrier is just too defined." I rolled my eyes at him.

"What about me?" earnestly, he asked.

I should have seen this coming.

"Ryan, didn’t we go over this? You’re like a brother to me. It’s too weird." I said apologetically.

"Give me a chance. I will make you forget about him." Ryan confidently said. "I promise to never make you cry."

"How are you so sure that you won’t?" I asked monotonously.

"Because I’ll love you." He smiled.

I hate being pressured. I don’t date casually. I hated the situation I was in. I can’t see Ryan as anything more than a friend and now he says he loves me? What am I supposed to do? Turn him down? If I do, I will deeply scar our friendship. Without Ryan, my life in America will probably be hell. No, it will be.

And then I saw his eyes. The brown eyes that looked almost blue. Lovely. Clean. Mesmerizing.

-I need to forget Keita.- I kept telling myself as the only reason to comply with Ryan. -Maybe it will be easier to accept that Maiko is dating Keita this way.-

I put on a facade and said, "Okay, I’ll try."

Ryan put on his smile that he always has and pulled me into a tight hug.

It was only natural to feel slightly remorseful.

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My brain shut down while writing a part of it, so I know this is the crummiest chapter (minus the first few chapters of the story). I still love Keita and Maiko. Look for them in the next chapter.

--Yuuka.

Chapter 34

After the fourteen hours on the plane, everyone was a groggy, unorganized mess. Though we had our own segregated part of the plane, our seats were still too close and too small. The food was horrible, as always, and the restroom was more pathetic than those in the subway stations. The fact that everyone looked as though they had been drunk and sleeping in a gutter for a few days did not help.

When we finally touched down, we could already see how different life would be like in America as opposed to Japan. The population was significantly taller and bigger than Japan’s. To tell the truth, I was quite alarmed at the fact that many of the men seemed to have a protruding belly, as though they were pregnant.

After being cleared by the countless security guards, we were out into the pick-up section of the terminal. Before long, the thirteen students and the two heads were all rounded up into a tour bus that would drive us to the campus.

The first thing that we acknowledged was the fact that San Francisco was quite uneven in the landscape. The roads seemed to be built over a mountain range.

Since Mr. Sandervall wanted us "soak in the scenery", he asked the driver to use the city streets instead of the highways.

What scenery?

The sky was already dark when we landed. The streets looked like streets; buildings dotted the city, but once we were out of the more business part of San Francisco, we only saw one or two story lots.

The streets were unusually empty. Only a few hundred people were walking on the streets, as compared to the thousands of night people that came out to shop and eat at night in Tokyo.

"How dull." Ryan sighed against the window. "Where is the night life?"

I looked at him peculiarly, "I thought you said you’ve lived in America before, Don’t you already know?"

"Yeah, but I was ten then and my parents didn’t approve of me just wandering the streets at night unless it was with them, so I never even noticed how underpopulated the nights were. And come on, they’re parents, where would they want to go?" He laughed sheepishly before sitting upright.

An hour or so later, we arrived at Berkeley University. To say that architecture was beautiful would be lying. The structure and design was better than any I had ever seen in Japan; Italy was a main influence in building it.

As all the students gasped loudly at the sheer splendor of the school that would soon be ours, Mr. Sandervall nodded approvingly to himself as to say "Yeah, our architecture here is the best. I’m sure that you Japanese kids have never seen something 1/4 its beauty."

Sadly, Dr. Nakatomi noticed this as well. "The students are quite amazed at how different the universities are. Berkeley is quite kept in its vintage state while Tokyo University has modernized itself to keep up with our lifestyles." He boasted, not wanting to give Dr. Sandervall the satisfaction of winning in a classic debate of "my horse is bigger than your horse".

We were immediately given dormitory room numbers.

"These rooms are to be your new home. We have paired you each with a student majoring in Japanese to assist you. They are of your own gender and will be more than willing to help you in anything you need clarified. Please treat them with respect and please help them whenever you can." Dr. Nakatomi stated clearly. "The dormitories are separated and scattered throughout the campus, so please, do not try to wander the campus alone until you have been accustomed to the area. Once you arrive at your dormitory, please get ready for dinner at the dean’s hall. Your roommate will accompany you and show you where that is, so there is no excuse to be tardy. Arrive there at nine sharp."

The female dormitory buildings were clear across the other side of the vast school from the male buildings. The driver dropped the males off first to their dormitories. Their roommates were already outside the building waiting for their arrival. Ryan, I could see, was paired up with a blond haired, light eyed guy that had the same body structure as him; thin and lanky.

The girls in the bus exclaimed in whispered voices, "Amazing! They look so cool! They actually look like guys!". I couldn’t help but giggle; most of them had mean faces and their clothes were too wrinkled and dirty.

As well, our female roommates came to greet us when we stepped out of the bus. They were taller than most of us. In their casual, lounge-room outfits, suddenly our clothes were out of style.

"Who is Oshinari Nina?" I heard a girl asking in Japanese.

"I am Nina." I walked up to her.

"So you are! My name is Jones Mandy, but you can call me Mandy." A girl only a little bit taller than me smiled. She looked asian.

"Are you of Japanese heritage?" I questioned as she led me to an elevator.

"No, I am actually half Korean and half English." She answered in perfect Japanese.

The dormitory was small. No, it was like a closet. A bunk bed was to the left when we entered and two desks were on opposite sides of the right wall. The only window in the room was a large one that overlooked the streets four stories below us. Our bathroom was merely a sink, a toilet, and a standing shower.

I’ve been accustomed to small areas, but my new home made even me feel just a tad claustrophobic. I felt as if I had over packed because as small as the room was, it was still organized and free of unnecessary items. My mere suitcases were hard to maneuver around.

"I know it’s really small." Mandy noticed my expressions and smiled, "but all the dorms in this building are the same size. We just have to make the best of it. You should probably take a shower and change. It’s already eight."

I followed her orders and took fresh clothes into the bathroom with me. -I really do look as if I’ve slept in the sewer for a day.- I examined myself in the mirror.

After showering, I took my old clothes outside.

"Mandy, where do we put our dirty clothes?" I found her getting ready in front of a wall mirror.

"Just put it in the hamper."

"Hamper?" I repeated this in English. "What is that?"

She shook her head and chuckled softly. "The brown basket. It’s next to the sink."

We were all instructed before boarding the plane to have at least a few sets of formal dresses and suits for dinners. This was one of those dinners. I wore a simple black dress with black heels, but Mandy wore a skirt with a black blouse.

The dean’s hall was grand. Light winked at us through the many facets of a sparkling chandelier. Many distinguished looking people were already sitting down when we arrived. I sat next to Mandy and the roommate of Sam while Ryan was at the other end of the table, with the other male students. At the head of the table wasDr. Sandervall.

As the first course arrived, everyone but the Japanese students and Dr. Nakatomi had their hands folded and their heads down.

"What is this?" I mouthed to the short, tanned male across the table from me. He gave me a "dunno" shrug and just followed the example set forth by his roommate. Pretty soon, everyone had their head down. When it was over, they looked up and were surprised that we actually knew what was going on; Mandy, on the other hand, knew what we were thinking and whispered to me "I’ll tell you later".

The food came in courses, but halfway through the main entree, many of us stood defeated; some were stuffed silly, and some just didn’t like the food. I didn’t like the food. Who makes raspberry into sauce and puts it on a lamb’s leg? I had to play the "Oh, I am so full from eating all this good food" act.

After we had fully been introduced to everyone, the students parted their separate ways into their dormitories. I would be able to see Ryan’s dormitory the next day, since the night was slowly fading.

I spent an hour chatting with Mandy to reassure myself that living with her wouldn’t be horrible; and it wouldn’t be. She, like myself, is an only child, but her parents were lenient with her, so she had the freedom any child would be jealous of. I found out that we were all exchange students. Mandy’s former roommate had gone to Tokyo to study while I came here.

"Why is it the civil engineering majors that come and not the English majors?" I asked her.

She shrugged and said, "We don’t have a high rank in the English department, but we are quite good in our engineering department."

We were currently in the summer break for the university. The only thing to do would be to take a summer course, but the scholarship that was granted to the students did not cover summer courses or extra courses. I figured that I would spend the whole vacation studying my English and terms.

"Don’t they lockout the dormitories during the summer? In Japan, everyone is forced to return home because the buildings are actually closed off." I asked her, while she stretched.

"Well, it depends. Last year, they did force us to go back, but I think that they’ve made accommodations for you guys, so at least we won’t get barred off." Her head bobbed slightly while answering my question.

"Are you from California?"

"Yeah, but I’m from Southern California, so it is quite a pain to fly to and from there, so that’s why I like staying here."

She closed with, "Nina, I know that you might have jet-lag, so I don’t expect you to sleep now, but I am drained. You’re welcome to use my computer if you’d like, since there’s nothing to do this late at night."

I nodded in agreement. First, I thought I could try to sleep, but that was impossible. The time was 12:34 A.M. in San Francisco, but in Tokyo, it was only 5:34 P.M. I gave up quickly and scurried over to the desk with a computer on it; there was nothing on the desk other than the computer.

Waiting for the desktop to load, I admired the Sony model; it was one of the newer computers. But, everything in my mind suddenly pulled to a halt when the monitor did load.

Literally, my heart pounded as if I was suddenly scared by something.

I let out the faintest meep of "holy crap".

In the full color view, Keita, Ryohei, and Ryuichi were couching low to the floor. I recognized the insane redness of their clothes that the picture was taken in a photo shoot for one of their cds, though I am not quite sure which one.

The first thing that came to my mind was what Ryuichi had asked me before: "Does it bother you that even when you leave Japan that there will still be a little slice of Japan following you?"

It bothers me quite a lot.

They are supposed to stay in Japan; they should be confined only to Japan. One of the reasons I left was to forget about Keita and the stupid things that I did while dating him.

-Come on, you felt remorse when you were in the airport.- A little voice inside of me whispered.

That’s besides the point. He is a famous hotshot and I’m an exchange-student studying in America. He and I, we’re a vast ocean apart, yet he is still able to taunt me by merely posing for pictures. "I won’t ever let you forget," the desktop seemed to scream. He has probably forgotten me, but I have not.

I pulled away from the staring and opened up the internet browser. There was nothing to do online, for I was never an internet person. Gradually, I lost the will keep myself busy.

I climbed the ladder to the top bunk as silently as I could and I rested. The things to do and the places to see in America excited me, but the fact that I was thousands of miles away from my family scared me. What will happen if there is an emergency? Do I just stay here in this tiny room during holidays? The allowance that was to be sent to me every month would suffice for my lodging and an occasional splurge. I might need to find a part-time job to help pay for a few things.

My mind kept wandering to the desktop. Mandy obviously knows them. I don’t want to live with someone that will constantly bring them up into discussion or play their music. On just the first night, I felt suffocated. But then again, life isn’t that cruel, so I’ve never heard Mandy mention them other than the fact that she likes their music and she plays their songs once in a while.

Summer has long gone and past. Fall has come to a close. I have already spent six months in America. My classes are surprisingly bearable, being that I am a freshman reviewing everything that I had learned in my freshman year in Tokyo. The terms I had learned are being regurgitated in English. As a course elective, I chose Japanese. Why wouldn’t I? There was no restriction taking the class. Easy A.

I spent a lot of my time in the Japanese town. There, the food was familiar and I could communicate better. I was accepted to work at a bookstore when I had applied for the opening. The only thing I did was work as a cashier and organize the books. It was boring, but the pay was good and the job was simple.

One day, I had finished my shift and was waiting at the bus stop for the 4:00 P.M. bus when a gust of wind blew. San Francisco is a windy city by itself, but the day’s weather was irrational. Luckily for me, I had on a warm trench coat. The bus arrived and I sat down on an empty row. Even in Tokyo, I liked buses more than subways or taxis. They literally were down to earth.

I put my hands into the coat pockets because I hadn’t brought gloves with me. Something glossy brushed up against my knuckles. If it had been money, I would have been happy, but it wasn’t.

It the was the sheet of sticker pictures I had taken with Keita.

I had a hard time processing the information, but then the past became all too clear. These were the pictures that we took a year ago, when he wanted to break up with me.

I rolled my eyes and sighed. -I should have never went with Ryan to the event- I hit my forehead in frustration.

The pictures were faded, but I could still see how absolutely happy and naive I looked as compared to the forced smile of Keita.

I let out a small laugh and shook my head as I tore the sheet in half. If life was playing a joke on me, I can’t stop it, but I can ignore it.

-Keita was nothing to me. He never spoiled me, as a boyfriend would have. He never whispered sweet nothings to me.-

A few days before Christmas had arrived, I had bought a laptop computer with the money I had earned as a Christmas present to myself, partially because I needed it for my classes, and partially because I was bored half to death when I was inside the dorm room.

I downloaded and logged onto MSN. Sifting through the many people online, I could see that Maiko was on. This came as a shock to me because usually, she is too busy to use the computer.

"Maiko!" I typed in, obviously excited to chat with her, for I had gone a month without talking to her on the phone.

"Hi Nina!!!! How are you? You got a computer?"

"I am fine. And you? I recently got a HP computer with my own money."

"Are you making a lot of money? How can you stand to work in a bookstore? That must be the most boring place ever."

"The pay is good. My parents pay for everything else so this job is just for my spendings. The job is easy!"

"Oh. Lucky you, then. How is the weather there? Tokyo is quite horrible now because it has been raining and snowing all at once."

"Windy. Very windy."

After entering my comment, I noticed something. Every time we paused, the dialog box said that she was typing in something, but she’d erase it.

"What are you trying to write?"

"Hmm?"

"MSN says that you are trying to type something."

"Oh~"

She paused for a few minutes.

"Maiko?" I inquired. "Maiko~, it is very boring here, you should chat with me because I do not have anything else to do."

"Can I call you?" She abruptly asked.

"But we’re already talking online. The phone bill will be expensive."

"It’s okay, I bought a phone card."

"Well, in that case, go ahead. But I still don’t know why you won’t talk here." She signed off before I could finish the message.

In a few minutes’ time, my cell phone, which I had bought in America, rang and vibrated to the ring tone of "It’s a Small World".

"Hi Maiko." I climbed up to my bed.

"Hey Nina." She said.

"So, what did you want to tell me?"

I heard her exhale.

"Okay, first, promise me you won’t be mad."

"What is this leading to?" I chuckled because she hasn’t said this phrase in a long time. "Okay, I promise."

"Then, promise me you won’t hate me."

"Did you like burn up the boxes in my room? Okay, I promise."

"No, I didn’t. Would you like me to?" She laughed nervously.

"Do you want to die, Maiko?" I threatened her half-heartedly.

"Okay, okay. Nina, did you find a boyfriend yet?" Her voice took on a serious manner.

"Uh. No?"

"Is it because you still have feelings for Keita?"

I groaned and hit my head against the wall.

"No. He is the farthest thing from my mind. I don’t have a boyfriend because I don’t have time to look for one." Did I lie? Well, I didn’t tell the full truth.

"Really?" She sounded surprised.

"Yes, really. Is this all you called me for?"

"Ye-no. No. Well..." She debated to herself. "What would you do if he got a girlfriend?"

"Nothing? What am I supposed to do? Throw him a party?" I answered her sarcastically. "Why? Does he have one?"

"I-I think so."

I can’t say that I wasn’t shocked. He actually moved on.

"Who is it?" I literally choked out the words.

"Me?"

----

A cliffy because we all like cliffies :D.

Trust me, I know what I'm doing :D!

--Yuuka

Chapter 33

"Well, that’s it right?" Maiko questioned me uneasily.

I slowly nodded.

Today, I am scheduled to leave. I’m going off to a far off destination that is far more suited than here. I’ve packed. I’ve packed everything that would fit into the two pieces of luggage that I was limited to. Clothes, books, accessories, and more clothes, my new life was contained within these rolling boxes.

She sat easily on my computer chair in front of my desk as I sat on the floor, trying to figure out if I had forgotten to pack anything.

"Don’t worry Nina, I won’t get a new roommate, so you can leave your things here." Fingering the details of my desk, she proceeded in opening the drawers curiously.

I looked up at her and smiled. "Thanks, that means a lot to me."

"Of course it does," she laughed. "I’m preserving your life in Japan."

The room was so bare. Sickly white, the walls reminded me of an asylum. My bed had already been stripped of the bedding and was covered in a protective plastic sheet. Boxes and boxes of my belongings were in a corner neatly stacked.

"What’s this?" She held up a standard white envelope. "To Keita Tachibana?" Her voice went higher. "Can I read it?"

I hesitated for a bit, remembering the embarrassing reason of why I wrote it. What would it hurt for her to read it? I didn’t plan to send it out anymore. "Go ahead." I said, even though I wanted grab it out of her hands and tear it up.

She sat reading the letter intently. There were times that she wanted to speak, but words did no come out.

"Are you going mail it to him?"

I shook my head. "I thought I would at first, but I’ve already said what I needed to say to him." I leaned back against the wall.

"But it’s so deep and –"

"And it seems like I can’t let him go, right? I can. I can forget him and move on. That’s what I’m doing." Maiko handed me the envelope and the letter. I tossed it carelessly into the empty wastebasket without hesitating.

"Nina..." She worried, looking at the letter regretfully.

"I’ll be fine." I smiled.

"No, Nina." She collapsed onto my shoulder. "I’m really going to miss you. You’re my best friend no matter what. I’m really, really going to miss you." She pulled on my heartstrings.

"You’re my best friend. I’ll miss you more than you’ll ever know, but this isn’t the last that we’ll see of each other."

She nodded slightly.

How many years have I spent in Japan? Nineteen. How old am I? Nineteen. The statistics frightened me a little. The visa that we were assigned held residency in America for four years. After four years, I would have the choice of going back to Japan. If I wanted to stay, I’d take fodder classes to extend my stay or have a citizen try to grant me a green card. If I was desperate to stay in America, I could get married with a citizen and automatically be granted citizenship. That was out of the question. I don’t think that I would want to stay.

"Nina, remember, don’t go out at night alone. San Francisco is not Japan." My mother advised me as my father drove us to the Narita Airport.

I rolled my eyes at her. "Right." How dumb did she think I was?

"Ryohei’s supposed to see you off too, so we’ll see him when we get there." She added in casually.

My eyes widened a bit. "Wow, since when did he care so much?" I asked sarcastically.

"Oh, you know how your aunt is. She loves you to death, so she sent Ryohei to give you her warmest wishes."

"Right."

The airport bustled. We decided to wait for the other students to arrive before we booked our seats. The sun faded rapidly below the knolls of the city before finally revealing the spring evening when we waited.

The head of the Civil Engineering department had already arrived before us and he was making chit chat with my parents before the actual students came.

Originally, the university only wanted to send two or three students to America, but seeing as how they are proud, Japanese citizens, they wanted to show America just how many top students they had enrolled into Tokyo University. We ended up with thirteen students to be sent to America. Eight were male, five were female.

"Yo, Nina!" I heard someone call me as I sat on a wooden bench, bored out of my wits.

I looked around, but I saw no one I recognized, so I continued my quest to get some rest without closing my eyes.

"Ryohei!" I heard my mom whisper rather loudly. "I’m so glad you could make it! Ryuichi and Keita, you too. Nice to see you guys." She shook me a little to see if I was paying attention, but she didn’t need to do that. I was wide awake to see not one but three guys next to me.

Oh crap.

Ryohei was wearing a beanie and a jacket that was big enough to fit three of him in it. The other two were unrecognizable in their hats and attire. The supposed bruise on the side of Keita’s face was invisible or it went away. Needless to say, I was quite shocked.

"Hey Nina. Ready to go?" My cousin questioned me.

"Would I be here if I wasn’t?" Seeing as how I was quite uncomfortable in the situation, I forced a laugh out.

But I can’t lose my manners.

"So, you guys came to see me off too?" A fake smile came onto my face when I loooked at the other two next to Ryohei.

"Yeah, we figured since we’re on a break, why not tag along since we didn’t have anywhere else to go." Ryuichi answered playfully.

I caught Keita through the corner of my eyes while I listened to Ryuichi. He was also looking at Ryuichi, but caught glimpses of me when he thought that I was diverting my full attention to Ryuichi.

"How long is your flight to America?" Keita casually asked me.

I stammered a bit. "About half a day, sixteen tops." If he didn’t intimidate me, why was I stuttering?

"Oh." He said thoughtfully.

"When do you suppose you’ll be visiting Japan again?" Ryohei peered at my through his covered eyes.

"Summer I think. Next year."

He held out his arms. I hugged him.

"Aunt says to take it easy and to stay away from the fast food because it’ll make you really fat." He let go of me, laughing.

I chuckled alongside of him. "Tell her I said bye. And thank you guys for coming out to see me off."

Almost unnoticeably, Ryuichi’s and Keita’s eyes met for a fraction of a second before Ryuichi said to me, "You know what? We want a hug too. You’ve made us all closer to one another." He showed a tiger tooth and hugged me in an innocent enough, bear embrace.

Keita was already lined up in back of Ryuichi. I really didn’t want to be hugged by him, ex-es are not supposed to do this. But I didn’t want to be thought of as an ill-mannered person. So I submitted reluctantly.

His whole weight collapsed onto mine when he hugged me. And let me tell you, he has a lot of weight. I inhaled sharply because it seemed as if he himself had collapsed. It lasted longer than necessary. It was anything but innocent. I may be just so self absorbed, but something about the hug screamed "I don’t ever want to let go". My emotions crashed down. I forgot everything other than how good it felt. Soon, my conscience caught up with me. This is wrong.

"I’m going to miss my flight if you keep being a bear." I jokingly pushed him away, though a bear was on the other side of the spectrum.

Hesitantly, he let go. And hesitantly, I let him.

"Anyways, thanks once again." I nodded my head at them.

"Alright, then we’ll go now, take care. " they said. "Bye Nina."

I waved them off.

A pang spread throughout my heart. It was a feeling I knew all too well. Regret. I mentally swore at myself for being so stuck on him. Why must I feel this way? I don’t want to feel this way, but I am. I don’t want to feel this pang. I truly don’t.

"Nina!" I heard my name being called.

I turned around and saw Ryan with his luggage and suitcases. He, like Ryohei, had a beanie on with illegible letters in red. The white pullover which he had on seemed to devour him and his blue jeans were destroyed, thought that was the style now. "Hey Ryan. Better late than never."

"Oh please, there’s only a few people here now. Heck, I even had time to check over the brochure of the college once."

After chatting about nothing for fifteen minutes, everyone had arrived. I met Ryan’s parents and he met mine. As well, I met everyone else’s parents and family. The other students who will take on this program are strangers to me, for none of them are in my classes; if they were, I wouldn’t know because our seminars were big enough to fit auditoriums. Along with the students, the head of our department will also be flying with us. He fit the stereotype of scholars: a balding white haired man with a mustache and leaning towards the obese side of the gradient. Next to him was a foreigner. As old as the head, he towered over most of the people in the airport. Soon, I figured out that he was our head’s counterpart in Berkeley.

"Nice to meet you guys." Seemed to be the only thing he could say without referring to a Japanese to English dictionary. Needless to say, his Japanese was halting and it took him a few tries for us to actually understand what he was saying.

"Mister Sandervall, it is okay for you to speak in English. Our students have been well trained in English for their entire school careers." Mr. Fujimoto, our head, boasted to the foreigner in English.

The whole gang migrated to the counter where we would select our seats.

My steps towards the check-in counter were slower than those of my companions.

I am finally ready to admit it. I don’t want to, but I will. I figure if I clear my head now, it’ll be easier for me later on.

Each of the students is leaving something behind here in Tokyo to pursue something greater in America, I, on the other hand, am leaving my heart here without intentions of gaining another one. The stale, cold air of the airport daunted me as my footfalls became erratic.

I sighed deeply and joined the crowd near the counter.

"Ready, Nina?" Ryan took a deep breath through his smile.

"Of course not, but I’m trying to be," I let out a nervous laugh, trying to sedate my longings.

Though only thirteen of us civil engineering students of Tokyo University would be boarding the JAL plane, our friends and families clogged up eminent terminal. The security guards could do nothing to stop the anarchy of the room. I could distinguish my parents along with my university friends patiently standing among the crowd.

-Come on, suck it up, Nina.- I gave myself pep talk. -Suck it up. You can’t win everything, but you’ve won yourself a trip to America, that compensates for something.- I tried to shut my heart up, but that only blew up in my face because it squeezed itself harder.

People were already crying and since I am the pliant girl that I am, liquid emotions made their way to the accustomed spot.

My hands were trembling as I retrieved my airliner ticket from the counter. As much as I would like to acknowledge myself this way, I am anything but intrepid. I am not only afraid of leaving Tokyo, but I am biased towards this metropolis. What is in San Francisco other than a bridge, Castro Street, and Berkeley University?

"What’s with the waterworks? We’re going to America and these girls are crying their eyes out because we’re leaving this over-crowded city." A male classmate whispered to his friend rather loudly.

"Come on, you can’t really trick yourself into believing that you won’t be sad that you’ll leave Tokyo." A female student hit him teasingly.

The students were granted access to the departure gate, but the crowd behind us was not allowed to follow. My footfalls were the slowest of the students. I don’t know if I want to go.

"Hurry up, Nina!" My mother called to me. I picked up my pace as I was told. I sucked in the stale air. -I can do this- I said to myself while taking bold, courageous steps.

Good bye, Tokyo. Good bye, Keita.

My steps lost their grace when I actually found myself thinking that. -No, Nina, you’ve already said good bye to him. It’s over. Why are you dwelling on it?- Again, I cursed at myself.

Quickly, I followed behind Ryan because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to let my fickle mind tell me what to do once we’ve entered the actual terminal: I would have to board the plane.

And I did.

The airliner was larger than any that I have been on. Of course it was, we were on an international flight. Tokyo University gave us a private cabin to share. I was in the second seat of a three person window row. Ryan was next to the window and I was next to a female freshman named Fuyako who insisted on being called Sam.

"Man, it’s cold. Do they really need to turn the air conditioner on so high?" I reached for the folded blanket that was on every seat.

"Are you really that cold? It actually feels kinda warm." Ryan raised an eyebrow when looking at me.

My whole body disappeared under the thin blanket, only my head was showing. "That’s because you probably have like three layers on."

"Well then do you want to borrow my jacket? It’s thicker than the blanket." He offered.

My eyes dilated when I heard what he was saying. This is like deja vu. The event where Keita had said the same thing was all too clear. Even the jackets look similar. White, fleece, and inviting.

I tried to cover up being dumbfounded. "I’m not that cold." I shook my head at him.

"Sure?"

"Yeah."

"Alright then."

A year with Keita has gone and past like a cool summer breeze. The seasons blended into each other so well that I could not tell when one ended and another began. Or did his sheer presence wrap me up in a blanket of warmth that shielded me from the winter chill? Suddenly, I have to pull my jacket closer to me to block out the harsh cold of the seasons.

---

-Yuuka